GeekForce

Ladies, please pardon me a moment while I explain to the men readers what it is that you already know.

Gentlemen, from a weight-loss-and-tone standpoint, NOTHING can compare to the sheer difficulty of weight loss that a lady has after she gives birth.

SO..that being said–forget Richard Simmons, OR the weird-ass guy with big arms and a ponytail, OR the chiques on TV that make you ‘bend-and-stretch-sing-songy-crap” on daytime TV that A LADY DOESN’T WATCH ’CAUSE SHE’S WORKING!!!

 HELLO??!!??

Forget pills, too, ladies, especially amphetamines.  Please resist the temptation to take the ‘greenies’, or ‘black beauties’ (as we used to call our, uh, ’study aids’).  These constrict your brain vessels, creating major stroke risk, and/or bring your heart into a lethal synchronisity with arrythmia patterns.  Ladies: (gently) heart disease outranks (2) ovarian cancer and (3) breast cancer as THE most common killer of middle-aged ladies. 

(some docs say #2 and #3 are the other way around, but I’m going with the AMA’s ‘Procedures (by rank of occurance) and Theaters’ (where the surgeries are performed) ‘06, in its gazillion-page ’Womens’ Health Section”.  It lists the top three killers of ladies as I list above.

Don’t go out and pay $, not a dime, on fitness equipment that your husband and/or lover will end up carrying down to the basement.  Don’t even buy a mat, ’cause you won’t need one.  For this, see, you use your furniture.  You use your bed.

 Excercise #1:  LEG LIFTS. Lower abs.  Main priority.  Lie on back, knees together (this, before you leave your bed in morning, or after you use the restroom) legs straight.  Raise your feet, keeping knees STRAIGHT, about 8-10 inches, and start with 10-sec count, then let down.  Repeat, alternating with next exercise, three times, and you’re done for the day, all day.

Exercise #2:  PLANKS. This one isn’t as hard, but it works the UPPER abs.  The two, lower and upper, MUST be done in concert, in tandem, together, always.  Alternate with #1 with #2 with #1, etc.

Lie on your stomach.  (get the pillows out of the way).  Feet together, point your toes, then support your feet with them.  Put elbows close to body, forearm/hands straight ahead. Raise your body to rest on your elbows, back STRAIGHT (if you don’t, the exercise is useless) raise your butt SLIGHTLY so your back is SLIGHTLY hunched upward, but ONLY a little.  Hold this for 10 sec at first (it’s going to start hurting after counts 3-4); the ‘burn’ you almost immediately feelmeans caloric ignition (that’s a GOOD thing), and your body’s muscle “memory”  is starting to awaken to how beautiful IT is/was/IS.

Exercise #1 Advanced:  Raise feet 8-10″, ten seconds, and without dropping feet, raise them to 45-degrees (this will feel weird and will need practice), keeping back and head flat.  Then, after ten seconds of this (pure torture), raise legs to a ninety-degree-to-back position, hold for 10 seconds, then collapse exhausted…breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe the whole time.

Exercise #2, Advanced - same as above, but lie on side (easier, actually, than the ’straights’ as outlined in #1 above), on one elbow, feet straight, back and hips in alignment, the other hand on the top hip.  FEEL the side ab muscles come to life!! “THANK YOU, AND HELLO!”  Repeat, the other side.  You’ll be stronger on the side you hold/held babies with, but don’t ‘punish’ the other side for it.  Keep your routine balanced.

Remember, always:  Muscles have memory.  Of when you were five, ten, a pon-pon lady or a cheerleader/lady, an athelete, a runner, a dancer, and a lover. Exercise awakens that in you, and you’ll DIG it.  Just BAT his ass away unless HE starts doing the dishes and shopping and bedtime/bath/reading with kids and homework and bill-paying and being financially responsible (no boats, no gambling, very, VERY little deer-murdering), like the MAN he once was. 

His brain, you know, has memory too….

Enjoy, and, when you DAMN well feel like it, mi amour(s), you may rise out of bed and out of your chamber. 

The boys staring at you, you ask, what to do with them all?  Alas, I knoweth not, fair maiden, as I am: just. a…..  

man!

phil baker